After Jude By Dashia. Chapter 10

I'd spent close to two weeks at home. It was Saturday, I'd told Esther to come with me to the pharmacy. Our parents had gone for a wedding at Kafanchan with Daniel. Jessica had refused going, she didn't like our village. I walked silently with Esther. I'd gone to see Dayo on Wednesday. He had been delighted to see me. He was fairer than I remembered and slimmer, with his sweet bright smile.

"The real bae." He hugged me. He smelt fresh, he smelt alive. I felt dead. With his handsome face.

"Dayo."

"Why are you looking sick? You look slimmer." He asked with concern while we sat down.

"See who is talking."

"Its not a joke. You don't look okay."

"I'm fine. Honestly."

We were at a restaurant, I tried to live in the words I told him. I was fine. We talked a lot, about Fatima, Chinelo, a new girl he'd put up as his display picture on WhatsApp, Modesty, a girl who wouldn't stop disturbing him with calls, and then a waiter came.

"Waiter... Hope una no get chicken? This girl sabi chop person money."

The waiter smiled. "Money is welcome in this restaurant sir. That's why we are here."

I laughed, Dayo looked like a trapped ram. He was in total shock at the response from the waiter. I asked for a plate of rice and big meat... Food was one of my fortes, after Jude's death, eating was difficult but now, I was beginning to get my appetite back.

"Mumu girl."

"Mumu boy."

"I hope you don't finish that Hausa boy's money like this ehn?" He said playfully. I could only smile and be thankful my appetite decided to abandon me when I was two spoons away from clearing my plate. Dayo looked at me inquisitively, he knew there was something. I tried to ignore his piercing eyes.

"Come, I'm just realizing that you carefully dodged talking about him. What happened?"

I shrugged. "Nothing."

The look on his face turned to anger. "What? Is... Is he cheating on you? Did you two break up? Did he hurt you__"

The questions and accusations were so horrible I bursted into tears. His anger became permanent.

"Yuyu... Talk to me. Did the bastard hurt you?" His voice felt like a battle cry. I was weak. I nodded slowly.

"Yes... yes." I sobbed. "Jude hurt me."

"What did he do... Tell me. You can talk to me." His voice was softer. He rubbed my hand.

"He died. That's what he did. Jude hurt me real bad.

We made a turn and walked into the pharmacy. I told Esther to sit on the couch while I went to the counter. There was a female attendant there who smiled at me. I smiled back.

"Good afternoon." She greeted. I nodded, a little nervous.

"Afternoon. Erh... Please, can I have two pregnancy strips?"

Funny enough, the smile on her face didn't wipe off, it only broadened with sisterly sympathy. She nodded.

"100 naira."

I nodded and wiped my sweaty palms on my Jean trousers. I didn't know exactly why I was nervous, whether it was because of the fear that I might or might not be pregnant or because I'd come here with Esther. She handed me the strips in a small leather bag and I paid and turned to Esther. She stood up and we made out. I tried not to think of the task ahead of me, going to test if I was pregnant filled me with a lot of fear. I didn't know what to expect but either ways, I was going to welcome each option. I wanted to be pregnant even though it was going to cost me a lot, at least, I wanted Jude to live on. I tried to think of something else.

Fatima had called earlier that morning.

"You no wan come back?"

"Tomorrow."

"Mr Johnson give mini test oh. Shey you know him na wicked man."

"I'll be back tomorrow. No fear."

"And Mrs Folasade say make we buy her novels, two in number, 500 each."

"Mr Patrick asked of you."

"E good. Next?"

"We dey miss you. To answer question for class hard."

"Mumu, I'll be back tomorrow."

I smiled to myself. Fatima was a sweetheart. She cared for me. I only hoped that Mr Johnson was going to record a lot of failures and give another test. There was going to be a production soon, I needed to be back, I needed to sort myself out. The sting of Jude's wasn't as bad as it had been.

Jude...

I still cried, I still wept. I still hurt and I always missed him. The day at the restaurant, Dayo tried to console me. I'd tried to let it go and calm down but Jude's death came down on me afresh. I missed him. Dayo brought me back home and stayed with me till I slept off before he left. He'd called to check on me severally before he went back to school. He wanted me to know he was there for me, he was sorry for my loss. Death was hard.

When we got home, I went straight to the bathroom. I was scared. I didn't knock, I just made in. Jessica was in it taking a bath.

"What if it was daddy? Ehn?"

"Daddy doesn't use our bathroom and he's not even around, dumb head."

"What if he had come back and decided to use it today?"

"Waka."

"Shege da banza" Her hausa was horrible. I was nervous. I frantically searched for a bowl to use to trap my pee. I contemplated doing it in her presence. She looked at me and I made up my mind. She wasn't a child. I took the bowl from her hand and peed into it. She stared at me wide eyed.

"Yu..."

I took one of the strips and tore it open, dipped it into my pee and waited. I was shaking. I couldn't look at it myself. I gave it to her. I didn't know if she could read it, but I asked her anyway.

"How many lines?" My voice definitely couldn't have belonged to me.

"One" She said quietly. I grabbed it from her hand and looked hoping to God it was the line that read invalid. The red line stood prominently at the top. I shook my head unconsciously. I emptied the bowl and peed again into it. I tore the other strip out and put it into the pee. I gave it to her again. Just then, I realized I wanted this baby. I wanted Jude's baby so bad. I shook so much out of fear I began to cry.

"Jess... Please." I begged like she was the one going to give me Jude's child. I looked at her. She looked at the strip and shook her head with tears forming in her eyes. I sank onto the toilet bowl.

I wasn't pregnant.