I breathed with my mouth, my nostrils were too tired to carry out that function. It was three days now, three days since Mike showed up in front of my door as the messenger of death, three days since I got engaged, three days in which I couldn't sleep, three days since Jude lost his life in the accident -- I sobbed, I was tired, my body, soul, mind and heart were tired, I could faint but I urged myself to keep moving.
I had been to the house that day. Jude's death was a reality that was too real to be accepted. Fear, pain, disbelief, anger, resentment, guilt, regret drove me to the family house. The voices of mourners were the first to prove to me that it was no lie. I couldn't walk, Mike had been the one who led me into the house to where the family sat. Sadness and death were thick in the air, I felt as though if I lifted my weak hands to catch any of them, I would. Everyone was in tears, Kendra was trying to comfort her mother, I could heard Susan screaming from within. It was horrible... Jude was dead. Jude was gone. How? Why? How? How? Why? Why Jude? How?
The shock I was going through was deep, in the physical, I was in the house but my every other being was transfixed on many other things. Nothing seemed to make sense. Nothing at all. It was probably just a bad dream. A very bad dream.
The tears came later, when Jude's mother came to hug me, then she saw the ring on my finger ___ as I walked, I wiped the tears that streamed down my face, my life was filled with darkness. Jude left me? Jude just left? Jude just left me?
How could he do this to me?
I stopped. I couldn't go any further, I was crying. The few people that walked the road stared at me strangely. Houses were scattered here and there, it was easy to tell that the land was claimed by anyone who got it to build. My head hurt. I wanted to rest. I rose my head and saw the poster announcing Jude's death and burial. His picture was on it, he looked like he was smiling down at me. It was genuine. I remembered that picture, I'd gone with him to the studio to take it. He had complained that he didn't have any hardcopy pictures and he needed some. I had said something that made him laugh when the photographer took this one.
I looked at the picture, his beady eyes, his nose, his lips... lips I had kissed, the face I had held... How could Jude do this to me?
How could he hurt me so?
I leaned against the back of a house and cried. My heart couldn't take it. Death was so cruel. Death was a hard truth, death was merciless... death had robbed me and I couldn't do it back... death had taken from me. I'd lost more than money and possession put together. I'd lost everything. Death had killed me more than it killed Jude.
I was tired. I wiped my tears and willed my legs to move. I walked. I was close, so I bore the pain till I got to the house -- the room and knocked. I could hear the noise from within and a quick "I'm coming". I waited and soon, the door was wide open.
I looked up at Jay. Normally, my stomach would have fluttered and my heart beat wildly, not today. All I could see was someone who had caused me a lot of pain in my relationship. All I could feel was hurt.
When was it all going to stop?
'I'm tired. I'm so tired.' My heart whispered.
Jay smiled at me slightly, in his face, I saw the puzzlement.
"Are you okay?" He asked. I tried to smile back at him.
"You wanted to see me." I said quietly. I didn't know if he could hear me, I don't think I cared. He rose a brow.
"Are we going to have this discussion outside?"
"Yes." I was patient. I didn't mind that he had begun to get on the edge. He took a deep breath before he spoke.
"Eunice... please, let's avoid an argument and a scene and just go inside. I've been frustrated all because of you. You told me you were coming to see me three days ago but you didn't come. I waited patiently, hoping for a proper explanation and here you are telling me we should talk outside! What, you no longer have regard for privacy?" There was a heated look on his face but I simply smiled at him.
"Yu, you can't just do whatever you want when you feel like it, don't mount on me because I'm trying to be__"
"Jay." I was tired. I was really tired. But he went quiet when he noticed everything.
"You talk too much. I've had a rough day today, the past three days haven't been the best for me. They've been horrible, please, don't add to it. I'm tired. Trust me, you don't want to carry a lifeless body to the hospital." I blew my nose with the hanky I held in my hand. My nose was felt raw and painful.
"What's wrong?" He quickly came to my side but I put distance between us. He stayed where he was. I sighed.
"You had something to discuss with me but since you haven't, I'll take this time to discuss something with you." I said. The house opposite his had Jude's burial poster on it so I pointed it to him.
"Do you know that guy?" I asked. He looked indifferent. How could I have had anything to do with this boy? He didn't even know my boyfriend? He shrugged.
"Nope." I nodded after his answer. He turned back to look at me. "Is he someone I should know?" he asked. I smiled and wondered what exactly made me like him.
"You should." I said. I stretched forth my left hand and he took it. The ring Jude gave me was still on my finger. "He gave me this. The night before he went..." I blinked back tears. I had to be strong for this. I swallowed. "The night before he went on the journey that took his life. He had always been the one I talked about before you happened. What I had with you might have been beautiful, but it's my curse to carry for the rest of my life. I cheated on him and I did it with you."
He rose his head to look at me just as he let go of my hand.
"I didn't come here to accuse you of anything Jay. I came to tell you that there's nothing we have to talk about. There's is nothing we will ever have to talk about again. I'm heart broken, I've been made a widow even before I took the vows and I am bereaved. I hurt. But I'm still here.
I'm sorry I couldn't come the day I promised. I had planned on coming to tell you it was over that day. You know now what happened. Jay, from now henceforth, we are strangers and don't know each other." I smiled at him as a tear streamed down my face. He said nothing, I didn't want him to say anything at all. I wasn't ready to hear it. I felt better anyway. I felt peaceful.
"Goodbye Jay."
I turned and scrambled away from his house and life altogether.
(Hello there. This is one of the most heart breaking chapters I had to write. I had to bring to mind the death of my cousin to be in Eunice's shoes. Plus, I listened to Travis Greene's song - You got up. I'll be writing the rest of Jude's burial with the song accompanying me. You can listen to the song while you read to get a little feel of what Eunice is going through.
P. S: I was walking with the melody of the song. I hope it serves for you too:) Ciao.)
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