I stood in front of the mirror and combed my hair. I'd made time to go to the market and get an all black gown, that was what I was wearing for the burial today. It was five already, I wanted to catch up with Jude's family at home before we went to the church for the burial mass. Fatima was taking her bath. She'd been with me since the day I told her about Jude's death. I was glad she stayed with me, she made everything better. I looked at the person staring back at me in the mirror. I'd changed, I looked different. I put my hand on the mirror to touch my face. There were bags under my eyes, lack of sleep and lots of tears. My nose was red, the sides had begun to have tear marks and the bridge even looked soft. My lips were down turned and unhappy. I was a very beautiful girl, my face was always bright, I seemed to glow at times, but this person that stared back at me was a ghost filled with bitterness and anger and regret. And pain. I wanted to cry but I didn't. Fatima was going to be upset if I did, I had cried enough in the bathroom already.
My phone rang. It was my mum, I sat on the bed before I picked the call.
"Good morning mum."
"Good morning my baby, how are you?"
I nodded. "I'm alright."
"We are on our way to Jos. What church are we coming to?"
I swallowed. I couldn't blame her but, she sounded too happy to me, like we were having a casual conversation.
"Saint Louis." I said. She was silent awhile.
"Yu, I'm so sorry."
I sniffed and wiped my nose. "Yes, thank you." I was grateful. They left Abuja just for me. I appreciated it.
"Please tell daddy to drive carefully." I said. "My heart cannot bear another loss."
"Okay. We'll be careful."
"Till I see you."
She cut the call. I logged into WhatsApp. I'd gotten some many messages, so many calls, I couldn't reply everyone. Many people asked where the burial was going to be, I replied them. Fatima came out of the bathroom. I looked at her.
"Were you peeling off your skin?"
"Stupid girl." She replied. I laughed weakly.
"You spent over thirty minutes na. It's either you were peeling off your black skin that bleaching creams cannot change or you were giving birth."
"I was bathing."
"I hear you. Abeg hurry jor." I kept the phone on the bed, the nagging headache just wouldn't stop.
"Have you eaten?" she asked. I closed my eyes with a hand and smiled. I knew she was going to yell.
"Yuyu!" She snapped. "Mai kenan? (What's this?) Do you want to starve yourself to death? What's wrong with you?"
"I'm not hungry."
"You are famished. I warmed up the yam porridge. Go and eat it. Now!"
"Honestly, I'm not hungry."
"You haven't eaten anything since Jude's death__" I brought down my hand to stare at her. "__ come on, go and eat!"
"Chai! You can lie! I ate rice and beans two days ago at the family house." I retaliated. My reply must have made her angry because she used her towel to hit me. I quickly moved to the other side of the bed.
"Two days ago and you're proudly telling me abi?"
"No now... I'm just proving that you are lying." She glared at me and I knew she was really angry. What was her problem sef?
"Okay, Kai. I'm going to eat."
I stood up and went to the kitchen then served myself. Fatima was a thorn in the flesh -- a good thorn.
We left home by past seven, all thanks to Fatima. The girl could waste time ehn, mtchew. But we met them at home. The mood today was lighter even though I'd met Kendra crying in the room. I tried to comfort her without breaking down too. Tears burned at the back of my throat but I told myself that I was going to go through the most of today without breaking. It took a while before she put herself together. She looked at me. She was so pretty, she looked like Jude, but not as much as Susan. I wiped a tear and smiled at her.
"It's hard." she whispered. I nodded.
"Yes, I know."
"Mumsy told me__" She sniffed and tried to press down a sob so she'd continue with her sentence. "She told me he got you engaged." She bursted into a fresh round of tears and I held her to me. How could Jude have done this to me? I was determined not to cry. Fatima came in and met us. I signaled her to hold Kendra. As soon as she held her, I went to the bathroom. I was trying to contain my tears but they burned me. I splashed cold water on my face. My head hurt.
After a while, I felt better and stepped out. We went to the church for Jude's burial. It was 8am. I sat in the front pew with the family. I stared hard at the coffin, it was brown. Light brown. The priest talked on and on, people cried, but I didn't. I just stared at the coffin, it had become Jude's bed now. And I couldn't help but remember things we'd done together.
I remembered the day it rained cats and dogs when he came to visit me. Jos' weather could be really unpredictable. It rained so hard throughout that day till the middle of the night. Jude had been delighted. I'd told him I wanted to eat suya.
"I'll buy it for you tomorrow." He pulled me into him snugly and covered us with the blanket. I was really sulking.
"It's not fair fa..."
"Baby it's raining__" He laughed then. "I'm sure the guy wouldn't even come out sef. Not in this heavy rain."
"Ah swear, I want to eat suya."
He rose his head and looked at me then smiled. "Eat me."
I sucked in air. The priest's voice suddenly filled my ears. I turned to look at Kendra who buried her head in her laps.
"... This boy didn't just stand back and watch, he was the first who went into the burning building to save those girls. That was the kind of person Jude was..."
I remembered that day. We had a mutual friend who stayed in Apata and we'd gone to see her. We had walked all the way from Polo talking and laughing on the road. The house was a duplex, the upstairs was on fire. We noticed people standing outside watching as it burned. He didn't know the road to follow to the house, Apata is an area much like mine, very scattered, many lungus (hidden corners). The house stood prominently above others anyway. Jude didn't even consult with me, he just handed me his shirt and bag and ran to towards the house. I didn't want him to, but I didn't call him back. It was only when he lunged towards the house that the boys who stood watching followed. Jude was a life saver. He'd saved my life in more ways than one.
"Are you in class?" He'd called once. Oh, was I in class, I was about to have a test!
"Yes now... Na test sef."
"Choi... And I bought you lunch. Forget sha, Mike would just eat it."
I loved food. "Jude stop now... I'll be fast."
My course mates were busy tearing out sheets from their notebooks and there I was begging Jude not to give out lunch to Mike.
"If you write rubbish."
"Is it not playwriting? Ehn? Just wait."
"But I get lecture__"
"Baby, just wait for me... 20 minutes."
I could hear Mike laugh from the background.
"20... I'm counting." He cut the call. I laughed then, I laughed now, with tears spilling out of my eyes. I looked at that coffin. Jude lay in it. I squeezed my hanky in my hand. Why couldn't he just open the coffin and come out? Didn't he know I loved him? Didn't he know I was dying within me? I would forgive him even for the cruel joke...
"... Jude will forever be in our hearts..." The priest was rounding up.
Jude...
"Baby... open the door. I'm sorry." He'd called that one night. He'd done something wrong to me, I couldn't remember it but then, I was mighty pissed.
"Go home Jude."
"I'm sorry... I didn't mean it... It was a joke."
"What kind of a fucked up joke is that?" I was really pissed but I could still hear him laugh.
"I'm sorry."
"I don't want to talk to you."
"You love to talk to me."
I could punch his eye. "Waka."
"Boo, I'm sorry... How can I show it?"
"Dey go your house."
"What if I have an accident and die? Ehn? Will you forgive yourself?" he laughed then but I didn't find that comment funny at all.
"Jude you had better stop this your stupid talk and go home."
I heard him stifle a laugh. He sighed and...
"Okay."
I didn't want him to go so I went to open the door and there he was. With plenty suya and kilishi. I wondered what time he'd had to buy those.
Someone rose a hymn for consecration. Saint Louis students served as the choir that day. The rest of the mass went by quickly, the communion, the speeches... soon we were out. People came to give their condolences. I didn't know why they'd announced that he'd gotten his girlfriend engaged the night before he died. People were already grieving, why add to it?
People flocked around me, I tried to keep a straight face, accepting their condolences, I removed the ring from my finger.
I found my parents and siblings. My mum hugged me for a long while. It felt really soothing.
"How are you baby?" She whispered in my ear. I smiled.
"Tired."
"You want to come back with us?" She asked pulling back. I nodded.
"Yes." Jessica, my immediate younger sister came towards me.
"Yu." She rubbed my hand. I kissed her cheek. She knew how to show tremendous love. She was nineteen and schooled in Abuja.
"Jess..."
"I'm so sorry."
I nodded. "Have you seen the family?" I asked.
"Yes. We're going to the burial ground with them." My dad replied. I nodded. Jude was going to be buried behind Saint Pirans church. I turned to see Fatima and did the necessary introductions. Fatima liked Daniel. He was the one following Jess and was seventeen. He looked shy but wasn't. Esther was thirteen and the only one in secondary school. Everyone held to me. We soon left Saint Louis and headed to Saint Pirans for the burial.
I stood at the front with the family. I kept telling myself that I was going to be fine, I wasn't going to cry. It didn't last long. Jude's coffin was taken to be put in the grave. I couldn't stand anymore. I leaned against Mike, breathing became difficult. I couldn't take it anymore.
I cried.
I wept, I mourned Jude... I cried. Mike took me where my parents were with Fatima. Fatima held me to her tight. I couldn't help it. My heart was torn with grief. Jude was gone forever. I let myself drown in tears. I wanted to leave that place and at the same time, I didn't want to leave.
By the time the burial was over, I'd gotten myself together. I saw most of my course mates. The Class Rep, Sarah, Mary Ann, Michael, Becky, Miriam... They were so many and I welcomed the condolences.
The day didn't run fast but, we were done with the burial and headed home. I met Jude's mum to let her know I was traveling to Abuja with my parents. She said she understood, I needed to get over all that had happened, she loved me like her own daughter.
I met Fatima... my best friend of life.
"Baby." She hugged me. I just noticed how red her eyes were. Jude wasn't my loss alone. I smiled at her when she pulled back.
"I'm going to Abj."
She nodded. "Okay. How long will you be staying?"
"A week."
"Alright. Are you going today?"
"No..." I dragged the no. I tried to laugh but just sobbed. "Tomorrow."
"Aww baby." she placed her hand on my cheek. "I'll call you everyday."
"Call me every hour." I said with a smile. She tried to laugh too.
"I'll call you every hour... but na you go send the credit."
"Lol. Mumu girl."
"Where will them mumsy crash?"
"At her sisters'. Shey you will help me park up?"
She smiled and nodded. "Yes."
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